Letter to Anti Protest Philadelphians

To Whom It May Concern,

Do you have any idea how much of a loser you have to be to self deputize yourself to be the protector of the Target in South Philadelphia? Under the delusions of simpletons such as these, they feel as if it is their job to grab the baseball bat from under their bed they keep incase somebody they don’t recognize dares to walk down their street. They stumble out the door and head on over to the Target to link up with other dullards with assault rifles strapped over their beer guts. Their Dorito dusted fingers straight across the trigger like a good soldier. They exchange pleasantries such as comparing disability and pension checks and saying things like “This neva would’ve happened when we was growing up.” Their demon offspring are sent up to the roof because they are still just limber enough to climb a ladder. Taking their position on one knee and looking through the scope of the rifle trying to maneuver enough so that the neon light from the strip club next door doesn’t get in the way. once in position they give the old thumbs up their counterparts on the ground crew. The Stage is set.

The standing around continues for some time but they are used to it. Most of them have made a career out of it on local construction jobs that their uncle got them. But they stay ready for what’s coming. What’s coming you ask? Nothing. Not a god damn thing. The burning of police cars and broken windows are taking place miles away from there. But they can’t walk that far and they are no longer legally able to drive because of the multiple DUI’s they have received. Plus, all day fox news has shown nothing but pictures and video of a destroyed target in Minneapolis as a single tear rolled down their eyes. That’s what gave them the energy to sit up from the recliner and get “the boys” together.

Just then, Local police show up to see what all the hubbub is about. They are greeted with applause and admiration. Photos are taken, autographs are signed and secret pre-designed handshakes are given. You see, A lot of these cops grew up in the same neighborhood as these armchair experts. Now they only see each other at places like Target or the occasional back alley viagra deal. Target has become a flagship symbol of gentrification in the area. If they destroy it where will these guys send their wives to get them axe body spray and Ragu pasta sauce for Sunday dinner? It must be protected at all costs!

So now the Police, and the neighborhood “Remember When” Crowd all stand out front in full force. Their sons up on the roof, Frankie Bologna is sent to the frozen food section with a sniper rifle and a ghillie suit. No one I repeat No one is gonna fuck with this Target. That is of course unless they wanted to. If for some reason the battle against police brutality and systemic racism led to a showdown at the South Philadelphia Target of all places. The store would fall. The tough guy posturing that used to work doesn’t work anymore. Not when there are more of us than them. We are young, We are devout, and We will not stop because some 300-pound buffoon with a baseball bat is standing in front of the door. I do not think anyone should be scared or alarmed by the display of foolishness that went on at Target the other night. Like the rest, they will be gone soon enough. Because the hard truth is simply they are not loyal Philadelphians if they were they would be marching with us. They are waiting for the house they inherited from their parents to go up enough in property value so that they can move to Cherry Hill or DelCo and live out their last days bitching about property taxes and back pain.

The new resident’s immigrants, blacks, transgenders, and the rebellious sons and daughters of these people will remain. We’re gonna hold public office, we are gonna own land, and we will do business. And yes we will probably shop at Target but at least when it comes time to defend members of our community from being murdered live on television they will know that if they are not with us they better break out the plywood because in the future no one will be standing guard for a corporate entity. Instead, we will protect each other. At the end of the day Fuck Target and Fuck you if you think shopping for socks at reasonable prices is worth more than Black Lives!

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