Trouble with the curve

Life doesn’t go in a straight line!

No matter how much we want it to it doesn’t.

This is a basic rule of nature and I am no exception. My life has not traveled in a straight line ever.

Now sometimes the path is relatively straight. Kind of like a county line road in farm country. but even the straightest roads are not level. Most of the time this is the path that we are on. Its relatively straight with minor ups and downs that require minimal effort and cause little anxiety.

But then there are the times when this is simply not the case. We all have times in our lives that we are headed up a steep hill and we know the effort will be worth it at the end, but it takes a ton of energy to reach the summit and reap the rewards. Other times we get to a point where we go into free fall. These times often don’t require effort on our part, but can be the source of massive panic. Then there are the times when the path stays relatively level but takes a sharp turn, or hits a fork. These can be gut wrenching in their own right, especially if you are someone not particularly fond of change.

These past two months for me have felt like a free fall with moments of leveling, and at the bottom I can see a fork in the road that is approaching at break-neck speed. I recognize the fork in the road. I can see that my current path is going one way and the other is one I recognize as a promise that God has made to me just in the last year. But this is a decision that I’m not ready to make, and although I know it’s a path laid before me by God, I am concerned of making it too soon. This leaves me with only one choice...

HIT THE BRAKES!

I’m braking as hard as I can and trying to slow the descent which is only serving to add effort on top of anxiety and fear. I need time. Time to pray, time to meditate and listen for God’s answer, time to prepare myself and my family, time I simply don’t have.

I wish I could just let go of myself, embrace the exhilaration of the fall, close my eyes and trust that when I open them at the bottom I will be on the path that God wants me to be on.

I want to be able to trust the same way Saul did when opened his eyes and allowed himself to be transformed into Paul. He didn’t even see the fork in the road, it came up underneath him and carried him away. Paul embraced the change so readily that he went back to the very people who had just sent him out to violently persecute Christians and declared himself as a Christian. I want that faith and that trust.

So what is holding me back from letting go and letting God?

When I reflect on this question I have to admit some of my own faults. First, I have been a worldly person for a long time and my spiritual self has been neglected from early adolescence until very recently and is going to require some nurturing to allow it to mature. Second, I excel at the worldly value of mistrust. I have been lied to a few times in my adult life and it has been enough to bruise my ego to the point that I consciously seek the cues that indicate lies and validate my mistrust. Third is my internal need for self sufficiency and refusal to work without a net. I can feel my pulse rate increase along with my blood pressure as I am right now contemplating the idea of taking a leap the likes of Paul’s.

So, what now?

I really don’t know. I suppose if I knew the answer to that question I would be writing this post a little differently.

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