A Well of Sadness

In response to my post yesterday, a mentor of mine observed that his intuition is that I have a well of sadness inside that must be felt, honored, seen, acknowledged, and loved.



I’ve been thinking about that all day.



There is something inside me that for many years - maybe my whole life - has kept me from rarely feeling whole.



I’m not sure if sadness is the right word for it or it or not. I’ve written about how two of the biggest challenges in my life have been dealing with the loss of my father as a child and a lifetime of depression and depressive thoughts and anxiety since then.



What it could be if not sadness?



Perhaps it is a sense of never quite being where I am. Never quite being happy and content with who I am. Always feeling like things should be different. Like I should be different.



Never feeling like I’m 'there' because I’ve never been able to figure out clearly where there is.



The person who asked me about this sadness is someone I consider to be wise although he’s younger than me. He talks about accepting our feelings, living with them, and being friends with them.



I’ve been trying to figure out: how the hell you do that?



One of the refrains that he uses often is 'real but not true’.



The idea as I understand it is that you can acknowledge those feelings and thoughts and identities as real. They’re there. It’s not about ignoring them or hoping that thinking positively will magically make them go away.



It’s about accepting them. Being in that feeling and that identity and those thoughts.



But at the same time recognizing that they’re not true.



I have lived so long with an identity that at its heart is that I’m not worthy, that happiness isn’t for me, that it’s not something I get to have in this life.



I’ve tried many different ways to change it. To deal with it. I’ve been through therapy and medication. I’ve tried positive thinking, meditation, affirmations, reading self help book, listening to motivational speakees, journaling, this blog. I’ve talked to friends about it and with my wife.



I’ve always tried to be honest with myself and not lie to myself about how I feel and what It think.



So the truth is I really don’t know how to feel good. Truly, deeply good and joyful. Relaxed in who I am. Accepting of who I am and proud about what I’ve achieved and accomplished. Confident in myself and my abilities.



And I don’t know how to get there. The only thing I’ve ever known how to do is work to try to make bad feelings and negative thoughts smaller. To occupy myself so that I don’t have time to dwell on them too much.



Before, when I got a regular paycheck regardless of what I did, I could work away and know I would get paid, whether I did a good job or not. I mostly did a good job and I got my pay, at first it wasn’t much but the amount grew and as my pay grew my stress about money diminished.



Now I don’t get paid unless I make it happen. With the hotel much has been out of my control, especially now with Covid. But I’ve been at this entrepreneurship game for years and still haven’t seen a financial return. So even though I’m trying to believe in myself that it will happen, I am doing so under intense financial stress and self-induced pressure.



And I have doubts. Oh do I have doubts. I doubt myself. I doubt I have the capability to succeed. I doubt I have the ability to feel good and to be happy.



Essentially, I feel like an unworthy failure. I feel guilty that I am not providing for my family. I feel guilty that I’ve put the hotel as a secondary priority.



And I’m tired. I don’t know when the last time I was able to truly relax, enjoy myself, or laugh with ease. I get brief glimpses of what life could be like when I play with my daughter. She is so present in everything she does and I long to be like that.



So, maybe at the root of what I feel is sadness.



Or maybe there’s something else there like depression, melancholy, guilt, exhaustion, or all of them combined.



I’m not sure if it matters so much if I get the words to describe it right. Perhaps it does.



Regardless, I’m trying to just be in this feeling, whatever it is. Staying with it and accepting it as real but not true.



And maybe I can let it be felt, honored, seen acknowledged and loved. But this has been with me for a lifetime and I’m not sure yet how to do that and really, truly heal.

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